Frustration, frustration, frustration. I joked with my boss Courtney that this week would be just about the time for a scheduled breakdown, and boy was I ever half right. Sure, I’ve been up to a lot of things, had my family come down, got a new job, lovely things one and all. But I’m also seriously miffed at Toronto right now. Considering how big the city is, how many people I know here, all the things I could be doing, I’m more than a little frustrated that I’m spending my time alone either at work, in my apartment, or running downtown at midnight.
Yeah. Not much going on for social interaction lately.
As negative as I am, I tend to be an optimist at the start of things. I think that everything’s going to go brilliantly, that the best possible situation is going to happen, but my best hopes are consistently shot down.I expected this summer to be a huge, fun bonanza of friends and socializing and living life – hasn’t been so far. I expected to be meeting new people at work – not in the way I expected. I hoped to be spending a lot of time with my bestie, travel a bit, experience new things – huge NOPE to all of that.
So yeah, I get negative.
I’m more than a little bothered that I have so many more people close to me than I did back home last summer, yet have seen less of them than I did those people back in Carleton Place.
I’m more than a little bothered that I have so few opportunities to meet new people right now, mostly because I’m underage, but also because there’s simply nothing going on with people I know to go to.
I’m more than a little bothered that the people I find attractive are usually 99% straight.
I’m more than a little bothered that I can barely sleep at night, that I never seem to have time to cook full meals, and that all I can really fill my time with is cleaning, which is about the last thing I want to do right now.
I’m more than a little bothered that I go through all these emotions in a constant repeating cycle pretty much once a month. Maybe its a man-period. Or a gay-period.
I’m more than a little bothered that I can have all these things handed to me that are supposed to mean so much to me, like a Taylor Swift concert, a job at a real Starbucks, a trip home, my own apartment, and yet still be so not happy with myself.
Honestly, what the hell am I missing that’s keeping me so on edge and unhappy for so much of my time?
I have clear goals. I have work ethic, I have fairly good determination. I have a job, I have my education. I have an apartment. I have a cat.
I guess I’m just missing people to share it with.
Or it could just be that I’m missing Jesus due to my flaming homosexuality
I guess I’m just doomed to keep going through the motions, the endless reruns of coffee-work-coffee-home-run-sleep-home-coffee-work-home-coffee, with none of the exciting things that challenge me to think about new things, that dare me to try things I’m not always comfortable with, that fulfill my soul as well as my bank accounts.
I could go after it all myself, but I have a hard time seeing the point of doing all this without people around me who I can experience it all with.
And I guess it’s just gonna be like that until September, when people come back to Toronto for school, and Frosh week happens.
Home in under two weeks, at least.